what did i do? it’s all too bittersweet.

i miss you clarence.

whenever i talk to strangers

i clam up

i get really really quiet

is it fear? that they’ll find out i’m a devote Christian, bookworm, studious nerd from all angles

and the sad fact is

their probably just as afraid to be seen as inadequate in my eyes as i am

this cycle is stupid and retarded

yet when it comes down to talking

i’m left in the same stupor

i miss days waking up refreshed and ready to read and start the day

i miss the simple happiness

God, I’m so sorry

I’m so sorry i turned away, looking for joy in fickle friends, popularity, GPA’s, research

“for i consider all these lost compared to the surpassing knowledge of knowing Christ”

fill my life like you once did, days where i woke up refreshed, saluting and saying “Katey Chen, reporting for duty”

and though you still hold me, i don’t feel your presence anymore.

speak to me like you did

exterminate all my underestimates, overestimates, fallacies

fill me with Your heart and mind

give me the heart to love people

erase this stupidity of mine, my shyness

give me your lips, your feet to walk.

ever loving God, renew me that i might be pounded by the overwhelming waves of your love.

when i am sitting at my desk and feeling tired, He is with me and gives me endurance and strength.

He has defeated my death, therefore I have no fear in my life.

i look forward to salvation and i am so excited for His knowledge, just like i am excited for all knowledge i receive now.

“It must have been cold there in my shadow,
to never have sunlight on your face.
You were content to let me shine, that’s your way.
You always walked a step behind.

So I was the one with all the glory,
while you were the one with all the strength.
A beautiful face without a name for so long.
A beautiful smile to hide the pain.

Did you ever know that you’re my hero,
and everything I would like to be?
I can fly higher than an eagle,
’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

It might have appeared to go unnoticed,
but I’ve got it all here in my heart.
I want you to know I know the truth, of course I know it.
I would be nothing without you.

Did you ever know that you’re my hero?
You’re everything I wish I could be.
I could fly higher than an eagle,
’cause you are the wind beneath my wings.

Fly, fly, fly high against the sky,
so high I almost touch the sky.
Thank you, thank you,
thank God for you, the wind beneath my wings.”

that if that person were to die, i’d feel a tragic loss of life and potential not just a feeling of nostalgia of days that once were.

i wonder when we’ll all do that

when i myself will not just be viewed as a passing runner but a lifetime running partner

to love or not to love, regardless of whether or not that person slows you down

and in the end, i’m pretty scared of attachment

i become numb, i euthenize my intelligence because i don’t want to face the true reality

i’m stuck

i don’t want to study. i really don’t want to have to push myself so hard that i’d get so frustrated

and although i also remember the feeling of accomplishment, the blood, sweat and tears, i also remember pushing so many people away

i remember the agony of the first test, that first confession and the heat of the first tears rolling down as my mom rebuked me for my whimsical attitude in my studies.

it doesn’t have to be like this

i know in my heart that i put on the facade of the perfect asian student

yet when no one is watching, i slack

it’s hard to maintain that mask

it’s much like wearing a courset; it’s so hard to breathe, yet it makes you look good; when you’re alone, you slip into a t-shirt instead

yet beyond this mask, God knows

He knows what plans He has for me

He placed this desire for a reason, not to constrain me but to discipline and train me.

each day he hones me senses, yet i become scared, scared of this letting go, scared of this lack of control

and in the end, i know i can, yet i can’t

and in the end, is the courset something i put on myself? can i really look beautiful without having the courset on?

i still cannot fathom God’s love.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/24/health/chen10-23.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/10/17/health/chen10-16.html

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/09/26/health/chen25.html.

for from the deepest, darkest recesses of the soul, hope emerges.

riding quietly in the car on our way to the grocery store after a long Saturday

with mia and ethan both asleep, a sentimental Korean song came on

we talked, chatted, then stopped.

finally, mom sang with the song

“come on, courage”

then she stopped.

mom, what was that? i wanted to ask.

instead, the silence ensued.

i felt a great pain in my heart for my mother.

my mom had once mentioned “what can i do? i can’t get divorced again.”

laughed.

then smiled that half anxious smile of hers.

mother, mother, what can i do? does it hurt?

can i kiss it? can i rock you like you rocked me that time i fell and extracted my two front teeth?

seiko had asked me “do you have any regrets?”

and while i can say no

i want to turn to my mom and ask

“mom, do you have regrets?”

i want her to spew it all out, to just let it out for once.

if it hurts, just say so.

don’t just cry like you did at church that first Sunday.

i want to pick her up.

oh mom, can i give you strength? can God give you strength?

if i bring dad back, if i brought you back, would you smile for real? would the bags under your eyes be gone?

will this ritual of nightly insomnia stop? will you rest? in me? in God?

will acceptance finally fog over?

and while things haven’t been completely better, i can see God is changing her.

He has dried her tears from the inside, gradually dusting off her bruised knees.

slowly going are the days of screaming, inebriation, and helplessness.

thank you for employing her, God.

thank you for being my strength.

i can finally see the hope in her eyes, her magical twinkled that assured me of my future so many times in the past.

her strong resilience is back,  and during this fragile state, i pray that she won’t fall apart again.

now…one question remains…when will rebecca stop following me around?