work

stunned by the computer screen, the everlasting music and sound, the images and color

i become numb, i euthenize my intelligence because i don’t want to face the true reality

i’m stuck

i don’t want to study. i really don’t want to have to push myself so hard that i’d get so frustrated

and although i also remember the feeling of accomplishment, the blood, sweat and tears, i also remember pushing so many people away

i remember the agony of the first test, that first confession and the heat of the first tears rolling down as my mom rebuked me for my whimsical attitude in my studies.

it doesn’t have to be like this

i know in my heart that i put on the facade of the perfect asian student

yet when no one is watching, i slack

it’s hard to maintain that mask

it’s much like wearing a courset; it’s so hard to breathe, yet it makes you look good; when you’re alone, you slip into a t-shirt instead

yet beyond this mask, God knows

He knows what plans He has for me

He placed this desire for a reason, not to constrain me but to discipline and train me.

each day he hones me senses, yet i become scared, scared of this letting go, scared of this lack of control

and in the end, i know i can, yet i can’t

and in the end, is the courset something i put on myself? can i really look beautiful without having the courset on?

i still cannot fathom God’s love.

Advertisement